I’ve made the decision to move back to Panama. This decision has become a 90% solid one in the last three days. Hence, this blog to chronicle my experiences in a project that is 50% for helping others and 50% for self introspection. I have coped with depression most of my life (notice how I did not say “suffer” – I am trying to reframe my way of thinking about things) and I am just now starting to come out of a long depressed state and making major positive changes in my life.
While doing some serious thinking, I realized I have been at my happiest while in Panama and my second happiest while generally not in the USA. I don’t hate the USA or anything like that. I simply don’t feel challenged here. I don’t feel connected to most of the people I meet. I am fairly certain this would be the case in any country and likely due to my odd upbringing and the fact that as a child I was shipped around to foster homes and never stayed in one place more than a year or two. So, it’s me. It’s not the locale. However, I am a person always searching for something else and I find that expats are often very much like me. I like being around people who travel, people who have made massive changes to their lives and I find expats, by definition, fall into that category. I like the roving, always searching life that is reminiscent of Hemmingway and the traveling writers of the 1920’s. It is a romantic thought, really, but I have lived it and want to live it again.
And I will.
Last night I told my brother in law and I am slowly telling family members about the plans to expatriate again. There will be little surprise, as my husband and I are known as the gypsies of the family. We are the ones that write postcards home from Iceland and Serbia. I will miss being close to my husband’s family- my family – which is something I have never had. I am from a very abusive family myself and the last time I saw anyone who shares my DNA I was fourteen years old. So my inlaws are my family, and for the last two years I have been living in the same city as them. The problem is, my husband and I are not happy here. They are the only thing we like about being here. So, it is back to Panama.
The plan is to spend 9 to 10 months in Panama and 2 to 3 months elsewhere. The heat and humidity of Panama becomes oppressive for me and I want to travel more. The break will help me keep my sanity. The reduction in our living expenses from living in Panama rather than California will allow us financially to achieve this goal. My husband is quite happy to be returning to Panama, and I think he wanted to go back long ago.
So, it is done. Now, to prepare, and I will be talking about all that in this blog too.